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for your health: a (fecal) matter of life or death

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everybody poops. except for my mom. she’s a proper lady. but other than that, everybody poops. it’s a part of our (hopefully) daily life. but poop plays a much bigger role than most of us realize.

let’s start small: dust mites. they poop, too, ya know. not only can you get an infection from the mites themselves, but their crap is all over the place, and easy to breathe in. i don’t claim to be a dust mite expert, but i am an expert in not having microscopic shit in my lungs.

hey smokers! how’s that poop taste?! in addition to all the other stuff in cigarettes that’s gross mostly because we don’t know what it is, you’re smoking crap, which is gross because we do know what it is. and other random things, too, but i don’t really care about that. just your poopy mouths.

speaking of poopy mouths, water just ain’t what it used to be, eh?

you guys wanna get hiiiiiiiiiigh? most all of the things on this list involve taking in poop involuntarily; that’s just not enough for some people. i wonder where i can find my local jenkem dealer.

on to farts. yes, farting is probably the longest-running joke among all humans, but they truly can be deadly, silent or not. the average person farts approximately 14 times a day (a little low based on the people i hang out with), and there are tiny poop particles that come out with the gas. those particles spread easily and get inhaled by innocent bystanders. this is relatively easy to prevent, though. simply wipe well. oh and wear pants. bam.

the most common poop faux pas is not closing the lid of the toilet when flushing. the aerosol effect is real and nobody wants a brown toothbrush.

so pretty much, you can all eat shit and die!

(not that you have a choice.)


Written by aaron

January 6, 2010 at 12:23 am

new year, new birthday season

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new year’s eve/day for most is a time of transition. for me, that transition is from one year of birthdays to the next. that’s really the only purpose of a new year, as far as i can tell. i’m pretty sure that i know someone who has a birthday on just about every day of the year. i guess that’s what happens when you have 60+ first cousins and an ever-expanding group of friends.

it’s weird that birthdays are just on repeat forever.

the first big one of the year belongs to my sister (no offense, bridget/others). she’s turning 28 on january 14th. which is weird because my mom tells people that she (my mom) is only 26. something doesn’t add up. it’s going to be my sister’s last birthday as a legally single lady, so put your hands up! maybe i can convince her to come out and join the world for a drink. doubtful.

cold weather birthdays are for the birds.

i think that we should start doing the one-gathering-for-a-whole-month-of-birthdays every month. we’ve been doing that for september birthdays for years now, and it’s worked out quite nicely. maybe i’m just jealous that people with birthdays in all the other months don’t have to share their birthiversary spotlight.

i’m drinking milk that expired 6 days ago; i regret nothing!

cows and pigs, every day.

Written by aaron

January 5, 2010 at 4:03 pm

things are new

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chapter 1: new thoughts; new feelings; new life

times are exciting. i’ve always thought that my life is supposed to be expanding, but lately, i’m realizing i should be more focused on completing. just because seemingly every force is pulling me, it doesn’t mean i need to be moving in every direction. lateral movement is still evolution, right?

i’ve always questioned how i react/cope/analyze the things i do and say, but i’m starting to give myself the benefit of the doubt. i figure, if i’m confident in each individual part of my life, then why not the sum thereof? my whole life has been a test, and each moment is my answer. even though i know that i’ll eventually fail precisely once, i worry, knowing that i’m going to score less than 100%. perfection has held me back.

i’m not going to lay claim to the year 2010; it’s going to lay claim to me. time will plot my course; chance will steer my ship. the choices that i’ve made will provide me my options.

i’m looking forward to the path ahead.

chapter 2: unbearable emotion

this feeling permeating my person can be described as nothing less than beautiful. arms and legs and body and soul experience it. the tingle, the weight, the wonder, the twitch. i’m more than just myself. i’m everything i should be.

but that still falls short of

everything i could be.

i feel like the people i know/like/love deserve nothing but the best, and that’s what sets my goal. there’s no trouble in that. but despite my better than average efforts, i convince myself that i’ve fallen short of expectations. it’s like my self-esteem has schizophrenia. acknowledgment of achievement yet deprecation of value.

chapter 3: resolution of resolutions

mind over matter is equaled only by matter over mind. there’s no use to not going with the flow. happiness will find me no matter if i seek it or not. accomplishment will lead to actualization will lead to satisfaction will lead to accomplishment. cycles don’t have to all be bad. balance will find its level. i will persevere.



and i

are going to be bffs.


Written by aaron

January 3, 2010 at 3:25 am

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