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Archive for November 2012

The Wake of the Wake

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It’s a little early for a year-end recap, but my year hasn’t really been defined by a calendar. It’s been over a year since I started becoming the person that 2012 has made me. In some ways for the better; in others, not so much. I’ve never doubted my inherent goodness, but it may have fallen out of focus on occasion. I may not have always been who I wanted to be, but I feel like I was who I needed to be. Now it’s time to be who I am supposed to be.

At some point, I lost faith in people. Well, strangers really. I never doubted my friends. I’ve always been outgoing and never missed an opportunity to make a new acquaintance. That has not wavered too much, but the intent did an about-face. I used to want to create genuine, lasting, even loving relationships with anyone and everyone. Of late, I just wanted more options. I didn’t care enough to get to know people, and I refused to open up to almost everyone. I was superficially engaging or charming or whatever in order to achieve my goal, but I almost never made a real connection. (There are obvious exceptions to this, and I trust you know who you are. CC, etc.)

There are several specific times I can think of where I was cold to someone that did not deserve it in any way. I won’t go into details because it’s not necessary to air out potentially sore subjects, but I’m sorry. I’ve been selfish all year, and at times, it came out in both my words and actions. If I hurt or upset or ignored you, I was being a jerk and I’m sincerely sorry.

With that said, though, this is still what I needed 2012 to be for me. I was not used to being anything short of rock solid, and I needed to branch out in order to find a comfortable situation for me. Some details could’ve been adjusted, and it’s not exactly how I planned it from the beginning, but it’s how my psyche reacted, and I’m not mad about it. There’s no doubt that I’ve had a ridiculous amount of fun the last 12 months. Some of you were a part of that fun, and I don’t regret a second of it. (Special shout out to Luna and most bars in Detroit; couldn’t have done it without you!)

As some of my long-time friends can attest, I’m a markedly different person now than I was a few years ago. It seems like a switch was flipped for me to make that change, but I’m not sure that switch can just be simply switched back. I’m going to work towards cultivating a hybrid of past and present. I’ve never forgotten where I came from and who’s been there all along, and I’m obviously happy with the close company I keep now. Balance will be the name of the game for me moving forward.

This week is basically a condensed schedule for how I want to change my life. Wednesday night to Thursday to Saturday. Current lifestyle to calm family settings and partying with friends. I’m excited to put myself in a position to be more well-rounded and just generally available again.

Not sure if I really had a point to all of this or not, but I’ll just end it by saying that I love you all and I love myself, and I hope you all get to spend more time with me, for both our sakes.

Written by aaron

November 20, 2012 at 11:52 pm

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